I just want to binge so bad
everything came back in a tidal wave.
even the smell of my house is triggering. fuck.
It only feels safe to eat when my rock is there to say how it’s okay, but he’s not so I feel terrible about ingesting anything.
I need to get a job but I don’t want to be around people when I’m this ugly broken thing.
I need to be that lithe, intelligent, witty girl again.
I just feel inadequate compared to everyone else no matter how hard I try and this is the one thing that I’ve ever been good at-losing weight
I don’t know what I’m doing with college, my career, my love life, I just don’t know and this is the only way to dull the noise in my head that doesn’t involve alcohol.
This stops now.
All fruit and veggies tomorrow, with soy protein and greek yogurt if my mom gets it.
Fuck, I’m whipping my ass back into shape.
mustnotpurgemustnotpurge
must not purge
must not purge
it wasn’t that bad of a binge but i’ve been eating like shit for the past months and i just want it gone and out of me
I’m home and all I can think about is how fat I’ve gotten.
I must weigh almost 150
I can stand this fat being draped over me, coddling me and it poisons my soul.
I just want to be skinny.
Food is a scary and malevolent force sent upon this world to destroy me.
& I’m fat again.
Tired, sore, hungry, too full, too much, much too much, fat saturating my body and i don’t like it
under 140 again
bmi under 19.0
next up: 135
then:130
then under 130
I won’t stop.
Fat lot of good I am.
